Separated

Ok, you are separated - or maybe you're thinking about separating from your spouse.
Now what?

And does this mean that your marriage is necessarily over?

Perhaps surprisingly, the answer to that last question is "No!".  In fact, according to a
report published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, "approximately five million
couples, or 10% of all currently married couples in the United States, have experienced
a separation and reconciliation in their marriage."

Those five million couples used the period of time of their separation to cool down,
think things over, gain some perspective, and find some resources that allowed them
to put their marriages back together again.   Many of them used that time as a chance
to do some real learning - learning about themselves, about relationships in general,
and about what went wrong in their own relationship.

Personal note:  At about the 14 year point in our marriage, Carol & I separated.
She took our daughter and went back to live with her parents.  This lasted three weeks
and gave me (Dick) a chance to gain the perspective that I really wanted to stay married.
Talking to a co-worker helped me to realize that I enjoyed Carol's companionship and
enjoyed watching my daughter grow up.  I took the initiative and called her and told her I
wanted her back and wanted to reconcile our differences.
    During that three weeks, Carol had an initial consultation with a female divorce lawyer.
She said the lawyer asked her to start making a list of our possessions, and kept saying
"We will take this from him.  We will take that from him."  Carol went home saying to herself,
"I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy."  It was at that point she decided she did not want  to
divorce.  After my phone call, Carol's brother encouraged her to to return home and
reconcile our differences.

Here's our first piece of advice for you in separation.  Use this time to STOP
FIGHTING with your spouse.  Stop fighting, and stop deliberately trying to hurt each
other.  Call a cease fire, and you, the one who is reading this, you be the one to go first.

Why? Very simple, actually.  Your marriage is at a very critical junction right now,
and at some point you and your spouse are going to have to make a very important
decision, one that is going to impact you and your children (if you have children) for
the rest of your and their lives - namely, are you going to try to put this relationship
back together again or are you going to get a divorce.  And the more calm you each
are when that critical decision is made, the more likely you are going to be to make
the right decision for all of you.

Our second piece of advice is that if you think divorce is even a possibility for you,
that you call 1-800-489-7778 and order the video and workbook set entitled
"Choosing Wisely - Before You Divorce."  Most people who divorce have no idea
what getting divorced really means.  This set will allow you to make a much more
informed decision than you would otherwise make.  The cost of the set is only $60.00,
which is miniscule compared to the magnitude of the decision you are now facing.